Tuesday

Don't You Know What Causes That?

That's the comment my husband and I get when others find out we are having ANOTHER baby. My response, "Uh, yep - that's why we keep doing it!" Anyway..... my husband asked me to blog about my journey through wanting more babies - so here it is:

When I was expecting baby #3 I had an all-out argument with God. This baby would make the third child born in our house in less than 3 years. I was already going nuts, or so I thought. I knew if we didn't do something permanent that I'd have a baby every year for the next 15 years. I proceeded tell God this. (Can you picture it?) I'm standing in our garage working on a birthday party project for #1 and God and I have this dialogue going. It sounded a little bit like this...

me: "God, You know I'm not doing a good job with the ones You've given me now. What do you expect from me?"
God: "Are you saying you are doing this all on your own? Have You asked Me for help?"
me: "I know that You'll help me God. I know that, but I have got to stop having babies at some point. I have plans you know and if I'm always pregnant or taking care of a toddler we won't be able to achieve any of those goals."
God: "And are these plans that you've made? Are these goals My goals for you?"
me: "Ok, God - of course, I want what YOU want for my life, but how can I really serve You if I'm home all day nursing a baby?"
God: "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future..."
me: "Allright - Your plans are greater than mine. But God, how are we going to do this? What will people say? My family already thinks I'm crazy!"
God: "In whom do you find refuge?"
me: "YOU, God! YOU ARE MY REFUGE! Ugggh....What do You want? You just want me to give up everything and let You run the show?
God: silence
me: "God, I am DONE having babies! I want to be done!"
God: silence
me: "Lord, I'm done."

and then it happened...

I heard Him. The God of the Universe did what it took to get my attention b/c He knows this stubborn red-head better than anyone.

God: "NO!"

Ok, so now what? I've just heard the Lord. You know, like a Moses or Adam or Joshua moment. Uh....can I just walk back in the house and start cooking dinner? Nope. This is a moment you don't forget. This is a moment where you measure your life. So, now I have to deal with the FACT that God spoke to me and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Can I just move on? Could you? I couldn't. I had to respond.

Then I began to learn. I read. I listened. I prayed. I talked with my husband. I argued w/ God some more. What I learned was this mountaintop I'd been sitting on wasn't where God was. He had moved. A song by FFH at that time still resonates with me....."Lord move in a way that I've never seen before. There's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door. I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore. Lord, move - move in me or move me."

God was moving me. Can I just say that is one of the most uncomfortable places to be in. BUT, once you are there (we've never really arrived, but you know what I mean) it is the best place to be in. Better than you or I can put into words. I want to, but I just can't.

I learned about the quiver-full lifestyle, and about trusting God with it ALL, and about letting go of me. I learned about loving motherhood and embracing this job as a calling. I learned about enjoying my children rather than trying to hurry-up and get it over with. I learned about being quiet. I learned about listening to others who did it different than I did instead of assuming they didn't know as much as I did. I learned about pride. I learned that nearly every problem or sin in my life can be traced back to this one issue. Pride.

I do not know why the Bible doesn't just come out and say, "Thou shalt have as many kids as you can until you are 40." Or, "Thou shalt have 3 children and be finished." I wish those words were in there, but they just aren't. Which means, we have to search the scripture and look to the Lord of lords for answers in this area.

I do not know why for some true Believers it is ok to have a vasectomy or take birth control pills. I do not know why God chooses not to speak to them about those issues. But then again, I also do not know why a 4 year-old little girl dies of cancer. I just don't know. What I do know is this is how God has chosen to speak to ME. This is how He has chosen to get my attention and require all of me. This is my burning bush. I am standing in His presence and He requires complete trust from me. If I am not completely trusting Him, then I'm being disobedient. I cannot live like that.

So, where does that leave me? Well, after #3 was born (6 years ago) I just knew I'd be pregnant again within the year. You know what? God has a sense of humor. My husband and I continued to "let God plan our family" (you can take that however you want) and I spent the next 3 years enjoying our stair-steppers. On our 3rd child's 3rd birthday I got pregnant with #4. Now, it will be just before #4 turns 3 that #5 will be born.

So, no - I'm not having babies every year. But, I am having babies! What a blessing they are! What a journey I have been on, and WOW have I learned a lot (and changed a lot.) When I tell others that our children are ECSTATIC about baby #5 - they do a double-take. "What, you mean your kids want more?" Uh...yes...yes they do! They want to be blessed! Imagine that. They see the joy that children bring into a home. They enjoy having their best friends share their bedroom. They yearn to keep the little ones little b/c "they are so cute!"

Am I done after #5? I'd like to be done. Sure, I'm human, and I'm getting old! But, that's God decision not mine. When He gives my husband and I peace to do something about it - then we will, but not until then.

These kids teach me a lot. I thank God that He struck me w/ lightning - I mean, spoke to me in the garage - otherwise I would have spent the last 5 years pursuing the plans I had made for Him instead of the plans He has made for me.

I look forward to hearing about your journey. For those of you who are just treading into this unknown water I'd encourage you to search online. There are a lot of us out there, and we really aren't that crazy.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

My journey is that I am done. And very OK with that. I feel strongly that I am living His will for our family.
I bless you in your efforts to do what God has called you to do. May you have a great pregnancy and delivery, with a crunchy doc who lets you do your thing. I know how important that was for me. I am glad to understand where you are coming from.
Lisa

Julie Anne said...

Hi Kristin,
Haven't been to your blog in a while, so thought I'd stop by and say howdy. You are so right about the joy a new little one brings to the other children... and I'm so glad my four are close together in age. They have so much fun together.

Julie Anne said...

p.s. congrats on the new one on the way!

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...well, for us, I can't say it we are done or not, I do know that we are not pursuing an adoption at this time. With us it is a bit different, the adoptions don't just happen, so God putting it on our heart to adopt again is a bit of a different process than conceiving (nobody has ever asked us, "don't you know how that happens?" yes, one paper at a time...). We are open to it, though, but if if didn't happen again, we are perfectly at peace with that, too. We don't look around the dinner table anymore and feel like someone is missing. Enjoyed reading your journal on this.

Chris (terrified to use an apostrophe! That is not my pet peeve, but adding an "s" at the end of a word where it doesn't belong ticks me off...)

Kristin said...

Chris - please apostrophe until your heart is content! I was just going thru my daily grammar lesson on that day - I still love you no matter how you use an apostrophe : )

Anonymous said...

Thanks' a'lot, Kristin, I wont' feels so bad when I use apostrophes'es now! Chris : )

Corrie said...

Great post, Kristen. I can relate. I don't understand how this all works, either. It just boils down to trusting God and being open to His leading in our lives. Congratulations on your new little one! I am very happy for you and your family!

NicholeAnn said...

First, Congratulations on your pregnancy! I, too, see them as blessings and I would not have been surprised at all to hear your children want more babies. Mine do, too! Mine are all bugging me to have more and I have to thank you for making me remember to ask God about it. Once again, I did not consult with him. Maybe I'm scared of his response. Having babies is hard work! Am I ready? Isn't 4 enough? It's too many for most....

Jilloldfriend said...

I learned so much about Pride while at YWAM 15 years ago (OMG I'm getting old).
When Marty and I (thought) we were ready for #2 and it didn't happen did my pride ever take a beating.
God has done so much in me and Marty over the last 7 years since we started "trying". I realized that I wanted #2 because most of my friends were doing it that way not really because I was ready.
I'm thankful that through my many tantrums and arguments (that make Kristin's look like a love fest) God never stopped loving me and He let me be totally honest and mean at times.
I'm all the more thankful for #2 who will arrive first week in May.
Thanks for sharing what happened to bring you to your decision about children.
-Jill

Tammy said...

I could completely relate to your journey! Yes, I remember having similar conversations with God, as well. He knows how to get His point across, doesn't He? If you'd like to read about my journey, visit me at www.afruitfulvine.typepad.com under "Why Do We Have Six Children?" God bless!

In His Love,
Tammy

Becky Miller said...

I love this line: "I thank God that He struck me w/ lightning - I mean, spoke to me in the garage - otherwise I would have spent the last 5 years pursuing the plans I had made for Him instead of the plans He has made for me."

So true that we often inform God of our plans, rather than asking him for His.

Virginia (Jenny) said...

wow, this is very good. What a great article. This is what I want for me but I am scared I'm not good enough. Not a good enough mom, Christian, homemaker, organizer. I feel so inadequate. Maybe God wanted this for you but not for me? I wonder those things. Even though I love having children and I want more, what if God doesn't want that for me? Doesn't plan that for me? This is some of the discouraging thoughts I have. I'm afraid I'm not like all those other great mothers out there. All growing up, people told me that stuff so I fear this. I know I need to get closer to God and seek Him in this matter. I hope what God spoke to you, could also be the same for me. This is my deep desire.

Kristin said...

Jenny: God is our loving Father. If we ask Him for bread, He will not give us a stone. I know as you seek Him He will reveal Himself to you and guide you into His good, pleasing and perfect will. I can tell from reading your blog that you are a loving mother. No one else can love your children in a "better" way than you can. I would encourage you not to try to be a better mother, but to be what God created you to be.....just Jenny. That's more than enough.