Don't You Know What Causes That?

That's the comment my husband and I get when others find out we are having ANOTHER baby. My response, "Uh, yep - that's why we keep doing it!" Anyway..... my husband asked me to blog about my journey through wanting more babies - so here it is:

When I was expecting baby #3 I had an all-out argument with God. This baby would make the third child born in our house in less than 3 years. I was already going nuts, or so I thought. I knew if we didn't do something permanent that I'd have a baby every year for the next 15 years. I proceeded tell God this. (Can you picture it?) I'm standing in our garage working on a birthday party project for #1 and God and I have this dialogue going. It sounded a little bit like this...

me: "God, You know I'm not doing a good job with the ones You've given me now. What do you expect from me?"
God: "Are you saying you are doing this all on your own? Have You asked Me for help?"
me: "I know that You'll help me God. I know that, but I have got to stop having babies at some point. I have plans you know and if I'm always pregnant or taking care of a toddler we won't be able to achieve any of those goals."
God: "And are these plans that you've made? Are these goals My goals for you?"
me: "Ok, God - of course, I want what YOU want for my life, but how can I really serve You if I'm home all day nursing a baby?"
God: "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you a hope and future..."
me: "Allright - Your plans are greater than mine. But God, how are we going to do this? What will people say? My family already thinks I'm crazy!"
God: "In whom do you find refuge?"
me: "YOU, God! YOU ARE MY REFUGE! Ugggh....What do You want? You just want me to give up everything and let You run the show?
God: silence
me: "God, I am DONE having babies! I want to be done!"
God: silence
me: "Lord, I'm done."

and then it happened...

I heard Him. The God of the Universe did what it took to get my attention b/c He knows this stubborn red-head better than anyone.

God: "NO!"

Ok, so now what? I've just heard the Lord. You know, like a Moses or Adam or Joshua moment. Uh....can I just walk back in the house and start cooking dinner? Nope. This is a moment you don't forget. This is a moment where you measure your life. So, now I have to deal with the FACT that God spoke to me and it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Can I just move on? Could you? I couldn't. I had to respond.

Then I began to learn. I read. I listened. I prayed. I talked with my husband. I argued w/ God some more. What I learned was this mountaintop I'd been sitting on wasn't where God was. He had moved. A song by FFH at that time still resonates with me....."Lord move in a way that I've never seen before. There's a mountain in the way and a lock on the door. I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore. Lord, move - move in me or move me."

God was moving me. Can I just say that is one of the most uncomfortable places to be in. BUT, once you are there (we've never really arrived, but you know what I mean) it is the best place to be in. Better than you or I can put into words. I want to, but I just can't.

I learned about the quiver-full lifestyle, and about trusting God with it ALL, and about letting go of me. I learned about loving motherhood and embracing this job as a calling. I learned about enjoying my children rather than trying to hurry-up and get it over with. I learned about being quiet. I learned about listening to others who did it different than I did instead of assuming they didn't know as much as I did. I learned about pride. I learned that nearly every problem or sin in my life can be traced back to this one issue. Pride.

I do not know why the Bible doesn't just come out and say, "Thou shalt have as many kids as you can until you are 40." Or, "Thou shalt have 3 children and be finished." I wish those words were in there, but they just aren't. Which means, we have to search the scripture and look to the Lord of lords for answers in this area.

I do not know why for some true Believers it is ok to have a vasectomy or take birth control pills. I do not know why God chooses not to speak to them about those issues. But then again, I also do not know why a 4 year-old little girl dies of cancer. I just don't know. What I do know is this is how God has chosen to speak to ME. This is how He has chosen to get my attention and require all of me. This is my burning bush. I am standing in His presence and He requires complete trust from me. If I am not completely trusting Him, then I'm being disobedient. I cannot live like that.

So, where does that leave me? Well, after #3 was born (6 years ago) I just knew I'd be pregnant again within the year. You know what? God has a sense of humor. My husband and I continued to "let God plan our family" (you can take that however you want) and I spent the next 3 years enjoying our stair-steppers. On our 3rd child's 3rd birthday I got pregnant with #4. Now, it will be just before #4 turns 3 that #5 will be born.

So, no - I'm not having babies every year. But, I am having babies! What a blessing they are! What a journey I have been on, and WOW have I learned a lot (and changed a lot.) When I tell others that our children are ECSTATIC about baby #5 - they do a double-take. "What, you mean your kids want more?" Uh...yes...yes they do! They want to be blessed! Imagine that. They see the joy that children bring into a home. They enjoy having their best friends share their bedroom. They yearn to keep the little ones little b/c "they are so cute!"

Am I done after #5? I'd like to be done. Sure, I'm human, and I'm getting old! But, that's God decision not mine. When He gives my husband and I peace to do something about it - then we will, but not until then.

These kids teach me a lot. I thank God that He struck me w/ lightning - I mean, spoke to me in the garage - otherwise I would have spent the last 5 years pursuing the plans I had made for Him instead of the plans He has made for me.

I look forward to hearing about your journey. For those of you who are just treading into this unknown water I'd encourage you to search online. There are a lot of us out there, and we really aren't that crazy.