I Got Drunk At Church Yesterday

So, I'm sick. And not just a little bit sick. This is kicking my tail. I've pulled out all my all-natural tricks, finally went to see the doc who prescribed an anti-biotic which hasn't touched it. Went to Urgent Care over the weekend only to have the arrogant doc there tell me, "It's not that bad."

I said to the moonlighting doctor who got his degree from the University of Phoenix, "Look, I've had four babies without drugs. In the last 10 hours I've taken 13 Ibruprofen. That's more than I took when I gave BIRTH. I am I-N P-A-I-N."

He looked at me and rolled his eyes, and said, "Keep taking the Ibruprofen."

You wanna see a Redheaded Rant & Rave? We nearly had ourselves one right there in the doctor's office. He doesn't have very much hair, it wouldn't have been pretty.

So, still in a lot of pain. I'm not contagious and life must go on. So, hubs and I loaded up the kids (in 2 vehicles) and headed to church to celebrate the first Sunday in our new building. I walked slow and whispered a lot. The plan was for me and the little kids to come home after and sleep all afternoon. Hubs and the big kids would attend lunch/homegroup after church, hence the need for 2 vehicles. Stay with me. The drunk part is coming up real soon.

So, I walked in the door of church and saw a nurse/friend of mine who had been keeping up with my pain status via Facebook. She asked me how I was. I gave her the look. She said, "Want a Percocet?" I said, "Hand it over." (She will remain nameless to protect her husband's medical license, yadda yadda.) At that point I didn't care - just hand over the drugs people. She could've been a gangter drug dealer from Chicago for all I cared.

So, I took it. Shortly thereafter, my voice returned, my pain stopped and I was finally relieved of the curse which had plagued for FOUR DAYS. Thank you Jesus.

Then, well............hmmmmmmmmm.............I think maybe I might need to sit down for a sec.

Ok, maybe I'll just stay right here all afternoon.

No, wait - think I'm going to throw up. Hubs brought sustenance. Didn't help.

Service ended, time to pick up kids and drive home. Oh, wait. Ummm.........I'm fairly sure that a DUI in the church parking lot on the first Sunday in our new building would not go over so well with the neighbors. (I'm certain I couldn't have made it to the stop sign.)

My face continues to lose all color, it's obvious this little pill was a little too strong for me.

Ok, so I attempt to walk the line to the nursery to get my baby, bumping and tripping all the way. Well meaning church members did a double take, "Are you okay?" "Do you need some help?"

"No, I'm fine just a little woozy. What'd you put in that latte anyway?" Wish I had a camera to capture those reactions. Oh, yes - I have a camera in my purse. "Where's my purse?"

I'm telling you, I might as well have been in a bar at 2 a.m. Takes me back to the good old days.

Anyway, my nurse/friend helped me find the children, put on coats, find my purse, and walk to the car. She drove me home (with a brief attempt-to-vomit-stop on the way) and she finally got me safely inside the house. Thank God for her.

She so wisely said, "Um, maybe you should just take half of the pill next time."

Note to self, P-E-R-C-O-C-E-T not so good for the Kristin.

The kids and I did sleep all afternoon. Thank you, Jesus. Only now the woozy-causing-pain medication has worn off. Oh, yes I AM IN PAIN!

Where's that other Percocet she gave me?


deena said...

Okay that's hysterical. Percoset is some good stuff. It's what they gave me after my wonder the babies wanted to sleep all the time. Hope you are feeling much better soon.

Danna said...

Boy, things have gotten exciting over at the FC!! I really do hope you are feeling better soon, thanks for letting us laugh at your expense :-)

robbieniccum said...

Wow Kristin, thank you so much for sharing!!! OH, I wish I could have been there....just because you are so cute...I am so sorry you are in pain! Was the urgent care doc a lady or man? just curious...

Anonymous said...

I, as a witness, would like to say that I rather enjoyed it (okay, not the part where you tried to puke on the side of the road) but the part where you tried to get your eyes to focus as your youngest son showed you his best Spiderman web slinging move. I would like to say that when you were given the drug, I thought you would take it after church and when I realized that you had already taken it, I figured we would be taking you out on a stretcher. I was concerned about the impact of that on your children and then I decided that we could tell them that you were merely performing an object lesson to help them better understand that whole Bible story about the time they took the roof off the building and lowered the guy down so that he could be healed. It's always important to have a plan.

Kristin said...

Robbie: The doc was a Middle Eastern man.

Karen said...

Oh Kristin, I laughed so hard too! That was truly funny, although I know you didn't feel well and wish you didn't have to go through that. I do hope you get better. I totally relate to you - why don't doctors listen to patients? We know ourselves better than anyone. I would have done the same, only I would not have even ventured out to go to church - you would have found me in bed!

Cat said...

What the heck Kristin - sounds like you need a new doc...are you ok now? Man....I'll bet the church members were adding you to the prayer list (please pray for Kristin Skebo, we don't know what is going on with her but she is not well...ha) - hope you are better now. Personally, I like Loratab (sp?) - had it with all three c-sections and had to be sure I moved to advil quickly so it didn't become a daily dose..ha.